Today at church, a friend of mine said she would check out my blog. She said it was enjoyable to read people’s blogs especially because you can see how they think. A blog can be a window into someone’s mind. A person’s unspoken opinions and how they understand the world is reflected in their writing. I am scared of what this woman is going to think of me after my blog today, but . . .
I’ve written too many posts about the things that I do well, and I must admit one of my many weaknesses. This is something that I have to wrestle with, and I wanted to share my thoughts on it today.
I have deep, jade green, ruthless, relentless, jealous eyes. Naturally, my eyes are brown, but sometimes, my ugly green eye of jealousy will start to show. If I feel like a girl is even smiling or talking to my husband too much, I literally have to take deep breaths to control myself. There have been times that I had to walk away before something too sharp came out of my mouth. It’s something that I still struggle with. I’ve come a loooooong way, but even recently, I had to fight that green eye again. While jealousy might not technically be a “sin” and a little bit is considered normal, I can tell you first hand that too much of it is not healthy. It can wrack your body and steal the life-blood out of your bones. Though it shows itself through my jealousy, I know that my jealousy is really something all together different. It took me a while to realize this, but it is a direct result of a deep insecurity.
On the surface and even much of my true personality is very confident, but for some reason when it comes to my relationship with my husband (even before we were married), I have a deep, latent insecurity that I’m not good enough. There is no reasoning for this feeling. Please, be assured that I have a super encouraging and complimentary husband, who is always telling me that I’m the best, but I easily see my faults. I didn’t do the dishes. The house is a mess. I forgot to wash his gym clothes. I burnt the dinner. I gained weight. blah blah blah.
For those of you who struggle with jealousy, here are some things that have helped me. For those of you with buckets of confidence, I invite you to pour some of your encouragement or thoughts on us.
Call It Like It Is
Like I said, it’s more than just jealousy. You’re not secure in yourself about something. What do you get jealous about – someone else’s money, body, success? That’s what you’re insecure about. For me, I was insecure with my body – which is a pretty common one for girls with jealousy. For men, it’s often money or success that can give you the green eye. Though, I’ve seen plenty of men insecure with their body as well. I know this sounds simple, but when you’re in the trap of jealousy, often you can’t see what’s causing it. Once I realized what I was insecure about, I had to do something about it.
***Personal Story Alert*** About six years ago I was in a really dark place in my life. I felt like I was drowning in an ocean of jealousy, and if I tried to lift my head out of the water, a wave of evil thoughts would come and push my head down. I was a Christian! I loved Jesus! I prayed and read my Bible, but I had slowly and methodically given into self hatred and jealousy, letting it take root in my heart, and I was starting to let it kill me. This was a very scary place for me to be in, and I started telling anybody that could help me. Please hear me, if you are struggling with jealous thoughts born of insecurity, do not let it grow in your heart. WAGE WAR. Tell trustworthy, dependable, prayerful, Christians. I told friends, and we prayed. I told my Pastor and his wife (they already could tell something was up). I told my parents. I told my other leaders. Most importantly, I confessed it to God. This was hard to do at first, but I distinctly remember a moment when there was a change in my heart. It was one day when I was particularly down on myself, and while I was speaking words of negativity, God literally gave me different words to speak. If I ever start feeling bad about myself, or I start to get jealous, I speak those words to myself. God is awesome that way. He gave me weapons to fight with, because he knew I was trying to do the right thing by waging war. He will do the same for you. When you wage war on something, God fights with you.
If I started to get jealous, my mind would go a million miles an hour with negative thoughts that I considered truth. I had to learn to stop those thoughts immediately and turn around. Sometimes, I would have to physically turn around to remove myself from whatever was tempting me to become jealous, but much of the victory was turning my attitude around. Easier said than done, but if done consistently, it does become easier. Part of changing direction is to fill your mind with the opposite of where it was going, and scripture is probably the best way to do that. Philippians 3:8 was an important scripture to me. “What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ.” It’s hard to explain exactly why this scripture was so instrumental in my healing, but it was.
I hope that somebody can learn something from that today. If nothing else, let it be a testimony of God’s greatness. If it wasn’t for him, I certainly would have drowned in that ocean of jealousy. The waters were turbulent, but I called out to God. He commanded the sea to “Be Still.”
Wow – longest post ever! Thank you for hearing me out. Be blessed today:)