Ugly Green Eyes

Today at church, a friend of mine said she would check out my blog. She said it was enjoyable to read people’s blogs especially because you can see how they think. A blog can be a window into someone’s mind. A person’s unspoken opinions and how they understand the world is reflected in their writing. I am scared of what this woman is going to think of me after my blog today, but . . .

I’ve written too many posts about the things that I do well, and I must admit one of my many weaknesses. This is something that I have to wrestle with, and I wanted to share my thoughts on it today.

I have deep, jade green, ruthless, relentless, jealous eyes.  Naturally, my eyes are brown, but sometimes, my ugly green eye of jealousy will start to show. If I feel like a girl is even smiling or talking to my husband too much, I literally have to take deep breaths to control myself. There have been times that I had to walk away before something too sharp came out of my mouth.  It’s something that I still struggle with. I’ve come a loooooong way, but even recently, I had to fight that green eye again.  While jealousy might not technically be a “sin” and a little bit is considered normal, I can tell you first hand that too much of it is not healthy. It can wrack your body and steal the life-blood out of your bones. Though it shows itself through my jealousy, I know that my jealousy is really something all together different. It took me a while to realize this, but it is a direct result of a deep insecurity.

On the surface and even much of my true personality is very confident, but for some reason when it comes to my relationship with my husband (even before we were married), I have a deep, latent insecurity that I’m not good enough.  There is no reasoning for this feeling. Please, be assured that I have a super encouraging and complimentary husband, who is always telling me that I’m the best, but I easily see my faults. I didn’t do the dishes. The house is a mess. I forgot to wash his gym clothes. I burnt the dinner. I gained weight. blah blah blah.

For those of you who struggle with jealousy, here are some things that have helped me. For those of you with buckets of confidence, I invite you to pour some of your encouragement or thoughts on us.

Call It Like It Is

Like I said, it’s more than just jealousy. You’re not secure in yourself about something. What do you get jealous about – someone else’s money, body, success? That’s what you’re insecure about. For me, I was insecure with my body – which is a pretty common one for girls with jealousy. For men, it’s often money or success that can give you the green eye. Though, I’ve seen plenty of men insecure with their body as well. I know this sounds simple, but when you’re in the trap of jealousy, often you can’t see what’s causing it. Once I realized what I was insecure about, I had to do something about it.

Wage War

***Personal Story Alert*** About six years ago I was in a really dark place in my life. I felt like I was drowning in an ocean of jealousy, and if I tried to lift my head out of the water, a wave of evil thoughts would come and push my head down. I was a Christian!  I loved Jesus! I prayed and read my Bible, but I had slowly and methodically given into self hatred and jealousy, letting it take root in my heart, and I was starting to let it kill me. This was a very scary place for me to be in, and I started telling anybody that could help me. Please hear me, if you are struggling with jealous thoughts born of insecurity, do not let it grow in your heart. WAGE WAR. Tell trustworthy, dependable, prayerful, Christians.  I told friends, and we prayed. I told my Pastor and his wife (they already could tell something was up). I told my parents. I told my other leaders. Most importantly, I confessed it to God. This was hard to do at first, but I distinctly remember a moment when there was a change in my heart. It was one day when I was particularly down on myself, and while I was speaking words of negativity, God literally gave me different words to speak. If I ever start feeling bad about myself, or I start to get jealous, I speak those words to myself. God is awesome that way. He gave me weapons to fight with, because he knew I was trying to do the right thing by waging war. He will do the same for you. When you wage war on something, God fights with you.

Change direction

If I started to get jealous, my mind would go a million miles an hour with negative thoughts that I considered truth. I had to learn to stop those thoughts immediately and turn around. Sometimes, I would have to physically turn around to remove myself from whatever was tempting me to become jealous, but much of the victory was turning my attitude around. Easier said than done, but if done consistently, it does become easier. Part of changing direction is to fill your mind with the opposite of where it was going, and scripture is probably the best way to do that. Philippians 3:8 was an important scripture to me. “What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ.” It’s hard to explain exactly why this scripture was so instrumental in my healing, but it was.

I hope that somebody can learn something from that today. If nothing else, let it be a testimony of God’s greatness. If it wasn’t for him, I certainly would have drowned in that ocean of jealousy. The waters were turbulent, but I called out to God. He commanded the sea to “Be Still.”

Wow – longest post ever! Thank you for hearing me out. Be blessed today:)

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Advice and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Ugly Green Eyes

  1. This has helped me. Thank you!
    I struggle so much with jealousy and it scares me that it’ll never go away. I’m going to marry my fiancée in the middle of next year and I can’t help but think about the “what if’s” that could happen if my jealousy doesn’t leave. I feel really sinful because of it and guilty. He does nothing wrong, but I keep fantasising and creating situations that aren’t real and end up depressed because of them. I have now said that “I am Jealous” to myself, and in some situations to him too, but your post reminded me of confessing it to God. I pray for God to not let me be jealous, but haven’t asked for forgiveness yet. I plan to do so tonight.

    • Blush says:

      Thank you for this comment. I really felt like I was exposing myself by putting this out there, and it can be a little scary. Friend, just some extra thoughts to encourage you – I truly believe that if you deal with the deep insecurity that the jealousy stems from, it is easier to be victorious. Allow God to impress on your heart the way that he views you. There is nothing more uplifting than that. Also, don’t get down on yourself because you got jealous either, because that’s just another kind of attack from the enemy. Instead – wage war on those feelings. Have others stand with you, and take the small baby steps using the scripture to wash your mind. It took me a long time to really get through that valley I was in, and like I said, it is something that still tempts me. But, I have experienced victories in this area – Glory to God. Please keep in touch. E-mail me anytime! I’ll pray for you tonight.

      • Yes, it can be very frightening to talk about your own issues online, but as long as you’re doing so to glory God, seek help and serve as a testimony unto others, God will be pleased, happy you’ve pointed out your mistake, and’ll help you out with all possible consequences.

        I don’t like talking abut being jealous because I feel I’m the only one I know who feels it (that is Christian). Your post was somewhat comforting to me (sorry about that) because I don’t feel so alone now and know it’s possible to fight it.

        I’m sure in all cases (but especially speaking of mine now) it isn’t “pure” jealousy, as in, there’s something that makes it happen (as, I believe, a natural – yet bad – form of self-defence and protection). It stems from self-hatred (and can be a “punishment” feeling), feeling of being unworthy (and worse), insecurity (regarding looks, personality or relationships), comparisons (even if unfair) and deception (caused in the past by that person or by someone else that meant a lot to you). It’s very unhealthy and, in worse cases, can lead to paranoia.

        To give it a rational meaning, “Jealousy denotes a feeling of resentment that another has gained something that one more rightfully deserves (or thinks to deserve). Jealousy also refers to anguish caused by fear of losing someone or something to a rival.” It’s a way of your body signalling to you that “something is wrong”. I feel I could write a post on this. haha

        Anyway, thank you for your response, prayers and help! I’m very happy to hear you’ve overcome jealousy! Discussing this has been very eye-opening indeed!

      • Blush says:

        Thank you, and don’t stop waging war!

  2. I really enjoyed your blog. Not tooting my own horn, but I rarely feel jealous of people. But what I do feel often is insecurity and my actions may appear jealous. Yes, I know what jealousy feels like, so that is why I know I’m rarely jealous of people. I think you can be insecure and your actions mimic jealously. I would love to hear your opinion on that. 🙂

  3. Blush says:

    Hi SAB Inspirations & More,
    Thanks for visiting, and you bring up a great point. I completely agree that you can be insecure WITHOUT being jealous – though it might appear as jealousy. For example, you can be insecure about the amount of money you make, but there is NOT actually another physical person that you envy their pay check. Your own personal paycheck makes you feel bad about yourself. That’s insecurity without jealousy. However, both need to be dealt with.
    For me, there was a physical person that I was jealous of – very jealous. I didn’t see my jealousy as an insecurity, though. Once I did, I was able to really change. This was many years ago, and believe it or not we are now friends. God has been very good to me. I hope that made sense! It was a good point.

    • Yes, you made a lot of sense. And I could identify in the opposite way. There was someone that I felt insecure about, but NOT jealous of. Sort of opposite of what you felt. But like I said, I know I was not jealous of the person..just insecure in my own standing. 😉 Thanks for responding.

  4. Adam's Eve says:

    Blush,
    I totally understand where you’re coming from. Not so much on the jealousy part, but on the insecurity part.

    In the early days, when it came to other women, if they are showing him too much attention to my husband, I feel that inner churning of “wait! he’s mine! what are you doing?” Now I have grown to completely trust my husband, but I still battle with insecurity from time to time. I haven’t wondered if I’m good enough for awhile, but sometimes I see all my failures magnified as opposed to everyone else who would have to take a fine tooth comb to find them. Being aware of one’s sin is a good thing. God wants us to consciously be growing in Him, and realizing our desperate need for His daily grace. But dwelling on it, rolling around in the mud with it, being down on yourself because you don’t think you’ve done a good enough job, isn’t healthy.

    Here’s the first thing I do. I go reexamine myself before God. After spending time in the Scripture, I realize that I was unworthy, but God made me worthy. I also ask my husband to pray over me. This is a big one! The Bible talks about where 2 or 3 are gathered, Jesus is there in the midst of them. Feeling the presence of the Lord is so critical to battling insecurity, and having someone, especially your husband, pray for you is a tremendous blessing.

    Enjoyed this post. Thanks for sharing!

  5. Adam's Eve says:

    P.S. When you’re thinking negative thoughts, the moment they creep into your head, that should be a warning sign – a red flag. In my first months of marriage, I found myself dwelling on thoughts like, “It would just be better if it were over (my marriage),” “I can’t do this. I should just give up,” and “I’m not sure I know what I believe anymore so why bother?” RED FLAGS! This is a moment that takes A LOT of courage. Courage to come and confess before an Almighty God and to talk things through with my husband. Eek! It’s not easy! But God will bless your courage because He promises if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us. His forgiveness is always sweet. And remember your husband loves you (or your fiance, depending on the situation). He wants to love on you – so let him. One of the biggest things I’ve struggled with is letting others love me. It sounds silly, right? But it’s true. When we struggle with self-doubt, self-hatred, etc, we are cutting ourselves off from the greatest gift of all time – love from the Father God above and from others around us. Let yourself be loved. Be open with your husband (your family, friends, a mentor)…someone who will love you and will encourage you through your moments of weakness.

    • Blush says:

      You’re right. We need to recognize the red flags, and change our direction. Everybody has struggles, and many of us have similar struggles. It’s good to show others that there is victory in struggles. It is a chance to fight and become stronger through it. Thank you for sharing your experience. We all are becoming stronger through each other’s testimonies.

  6. unitednationsmom says:

    I Laughed when I read the beginning about your “friend”, haha! How can this friend think any different about you! You’re awesome 🙂 I had felt the Lord urging me to read a book a few months ago by Beth Moore. “So Long, Insecurity”. I was like, “why do I need to read THAT?” But I downloaded in on my Nook and began reading. It was one of the most enlighting books I’ve read in a loooong time. I’m even praying about a womans Bible study on this topic. It’s something so many women stuggle with. hmmmm, probably all of us… and jealousy is just one manifestation of it. Love you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s